Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Before you marry...

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
(Will Ferrell)

I think it's wrong that only one...

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."
(Steven Wright)

Sunday, July 24, 2016

I was playing...

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this more interesting.’  So we stopped playing chess."
(Matt Kirshen)

Saturday, July 23, 2016

It would be kind of embarrassing...

"It would be kind of embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. 'Yeah, the appetizer. That's the food we eat before we have our food... no, no, you're thinking of dessert. That's food we eat AFTER we have our food.'"
(Jim Gaffigan)

Friday, July 22, 2016

Does it disturb anyone...

"Does it disturb anyone else that 'The Los Angeles Angels' baseball team translates directly to 'The The Angels Angels?'"
(Neil DeGrasse Tyson)

Thursday, July 21, 2016

If the English language made any sense...

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
(Doug Larsen)

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

There's no I in...

"There's no 'I' in 'denial.'"
(Peter Serafinowicz)

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The digital camera...

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
(Demetri Martin)

You need power only when...

"You need power only when you want to do something harmful. Otherwise, love is enough to get everything done."
(Charlie Chaplin)

Sunday, July 17, 2016

If you could...

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
(Theodore Roosevelt)